Week 3

I have been thinking about what I was going to write about and nothing was coming to mind. I was going to write about my weekend at Disneyland with my family, but nothing very eventful happened there. The last day it was so hot that I went without my wig which was different but also really nice since I was getting so hot and my synthetic wig was trapping all that heat in like a hairy oven.

I thought about the all of my webinars and what I could say about that experience but again nothing stood out as having an impact on my wig wearing experience; other than how much easier it was to just put on my makeup, eyelashes, and a wig and I was camera ready.

So instead am going to write about my feelings…oh no…

It has been over three weeks since I shaved my head and in this time I have gone through some interesting stages.

The first one was denial – nothing was different I still felt like me, or so I thought.

The next stage was trying to find “me” again after removing my most noticeable feature. I was not happy with any of the wigs that I had and thought if I could only wear a black wig I would be happy. Although seeing myself in a color that I knew as me, there was still something missing and I felt like I was wearing a wig.

The final stage that I am in now is accepting that I do really care that my hair is gone. It is the subtle things that I will catch myself doing; looking at a woman with really long hair and thinking “she has no idea how lucky she is.” I was even upset that I was no longer getting attention from men when I wore a shorter style or even no wig at all. Normally if I get attention of any kind I get all pissed off and self-righteous about it; now I want to be told I have a nice smile or whatever other pick-up line is used.

There are other little things that I have noticed, I hate eating in a wig. If you have not done it, you should. You can feel the wig move when you chew and it can be really annoying. I would rather take my wig off when I eat, because it can be a nightmare and your hair gets everywhere. For some reason since it is not attached to my head it has a mind of its own and would prefer its own sample of whatever dish is in front of it, instead of taking my word that it tastes good.

When I get home at the end of the day I can’t wait to take my wig off, but I also don’t really like to see myself without hair and makeup. I guess it is like getting a glimpse into the “what if” world that I do not want to think about.

I really love wearing my mermaid wig out. I get lots of compliments about it and that really does help. I have yet to tell anyone that it is a wig even when they ask me questions about where I had it done and they wish they could have hair this color. I have gone from removing my toppers any chance I get to being very shy about my alternative hair and not wanting anyone to know I am wearing something.

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So that is where I am at right now. I am grateful this is temporary. I miss my long hair. I feel guilty that I shaved it (even though it was to bring awareness for a great non-profit organization) because I wonder how many women look at me and think “she has no idea how lucky she is.”

I do know… or at least I am really starting to.

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